2019-06-29 00:24![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
zoingeroni
zoingeroniTitle: Four Gloomy Men
Summary: Ripp and Tank start college, but nothing goes as planned.
Genre: drama, angst, hurt/comfort
Word Count: ~6000
Chapter 1
Tank knew several things about himself.
He was physically strong. He had a strict workout regimen.
He was self-disciplined. Routines, rules, and plans were a cinch to follow.
He obeyed instructions easily and automatically. He had Buzz's training to "thank" for that.
He had robust stamina. He would often keep training after Buzz got tired.
He was dedicated. If he wanted to achieve something, he would. He would do it no matter how he was doing and no matter how busy he was.
He took care of his health. He went to bed at the same time each night down to the minute and studied nutrition fervently.
He was familiar with his body and how to use it. He knew when to push himself and when to not, and was cognizant of the way his limbs moved.
And finally, he knew that he would be a perfect dance major.
Author’s Notes
This is my second long fanfiction! It was originally supposed to be a short with chapters 1-4, but it somehow turned into this! Note that I haven’t actually wrote scenes about Tank in dance class. Sorry!
I struggled with the setup of classes and clubs and the military, but hope it still makes sense anyway. If something doesn’t, then consider the reason to be because this is an AU rather than like real life, LOL. I’m not sure how realistic I did the heavy topics, but I hope this fanfic is at least enjoyable to read. I somehow ended up mentioning mental illness a lot, which is not something I normally like talking about; go figure.
It’s a slight AU from my game progression so far, and is also farther along than my game lol, but still shares many elements. I decided here to make Tank, Ophelia, and Johnny have a gap year, to explain why they are starting college at the same time as Ripp. Plot hole filled lmao! Wooo!
Chapter 2
Tank was hunched over a clipboard, trying not to think about how big this moment was for him. The secretary of the La Fiesta Tech registrar had told him that most classes were filled, but he assured her that he was happy to take whatever he could get. All he needed was to fill in the paperwork to wipe his current registrations, and then he could sign up himself, instead of Buzz choosing all his classes for him.
He had spent many hours over his gap year typing and retyping a formal letter to the head of ROTC, who of course, was friends with his father. He finally just settled on,
"Dear Sir,
I will enroll in ROTC another year.
Regards,
Tank Grunt"
And then he slid it under the door of his office.
Tank didn't want to look at his phone for another year. Or his mail. Or open his door. At the least, Buzz still thought he had moved into a house in the surrounding city. He couldn't escape his father forever, but maybe he could for a week.
Tank still had two tasks to complete before starting the online signups. And it wouldn't be some private affair--it would be public. At least with the class changes, Tank could try to come up with some excuses about needing to ease into college or finding out how bad the professors were in his previous courses. A letdown, but not gregarious. This, though, would be a middle finger in Buzz's face. Or rather, that's how his father would interpret it. Then he would be painted to be just like Ripp. Disrespectful, dishonorable, disappointing. Tank almost hoped that the path he was starting out on would fail.
Tank's closeness with Buzz also meant another layer--betrayal. He was sincerely going to hurt his father. Tank thought about this as he walked up the steps of the campus dance studio. As he opened the door, he remembered the chorus to a song Ripp had written. He was pretty embarrassed at the edginess of a lot of his brother’s music, but allowed his head to play a song this one time.
"If this is a stab in the back
Then turn around
If this is a wound in your heart
Then let me draw the knife
I'll be your offender
And you'll be mine"
Chapter 3
Buck sorely missed having his brothers around. The Grunt house was cold and empty without them. Buzz's indifference to Buck didn't help. He admired both his brothers greatly, and it broke his heart that they had never wanted to hang out with Buck at the same. Still, the house was also quieter and more peaceful, which Buck appreciated. He also appreciated that his brothers texted him every day, and that he could go to the Smiths or the Picasos for parent things.
Buck had figured Ripp would rather be caught dead than doing the same, at least until he chose to live with the Picasos. It had hit Buck hard. It hit all the Grunt men hard. None of them truly understood how much the family dynamic had affected Ripp until that point.
Buck frequently fantasized about what it would be like if their mother was still around. He guessed that his father would be more of an in-the-background kind of guy, with the love from their mother being the prominent parental aspect of the kids’ childhood. Buck had in fact done extensive world building and had written a number of stories with happy family plotlines. It was like a running monologue to fall back on throughout the day.
Buck picked up the phone and called Jill Smith. She was always psyched about hearing what he had come up with next.
Chapter 4
"I have something I want to talk about. Not about us; you're fine,” Ripp texted Ophelia. He was trying not to phrase it as "we need to talk," a terrible, anxiety-inducing phrase.
"Sure, Ripp! I'm almost done with this essay draft."
Ophelia came into Ripp's room shortly after." So, what's up?”
“Well, Stella got me thinking…” Ripp stared at his shoes and cracked his knuckles. "I can understand if this makes you look at me differently..." He knew Ophelia had been diagnosed with major depression during the summer, but he was still nervous due to the stigma of what he was going to say next. "I got an evaluation and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder."
"Oh, Ripp, that could never change how I think of you!" She rubbed his back. "I'm so glad you told me. And I'm proud of you for going to find this out!"
Ripp became tearful and eased up. "That means a lot to me, Ophelia. I haven't decided what I'm going to do first."
Ripp had never told anyone, and no one had ever told him, but he was a snoop and knew that Tank had been diagnosed with orthorexia, and OCPD traits but too young for a full diagnosis, years ago. He also knew that Tank was on medication, and that he had dropped out of therapy after bad experiences with therapists.
Meanwhile, Johnny had told him and Ophelia all about getting diagnosed with generalized and social anxiety. He was still trying to find a medication that helped him, and therapy was too expensive for his family too afford on top of it. Ophelia and Ripp tried to support him the best they could, and now Stella Terrano as well. Johnny had met her in their dorm, and they all swiftly became study buddies. She had not known herself to be mentally ill, but the crew had joked about how she'll likely have a depressive episode one day. She had mentioned that she been in therapy the year prior, but wasn't comfortable yet to share what for.
"I think I might talk to Buck about his own mental health," Ripp said. It wasn't easy to watch his little brother's muted, melancholy demeanor. Buzz certainly wasn't going to notice or care. "Telling him about me seems like a good excuse to discuss it."
"That's a great idea!" Ophelia had figured for years she was more than "just" grieving. But even with a diagnosis now, she was hesitant about "normal" treatment options, and wanted to try alternative routes. Nonetheless, she would support Ripp in whatever he wanted to do.
Chapter 5
Buzz sat on the edge of Tank's bed, put his head in his hands, and cried. He hadn't cried since a month after Lyla died, and then an unacceptably high amount of one other time in the past year. "What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? Why are my sons all failures?"
Tank stared in shock at his father's breakdown, but mentally kicked himself to stay engaged. "You didn't do wrong, sir. We are confident, goal-directed people."
When Buzz showed up at his door, Tank had mentally plowed through the ways he could have explained his withdrawal from ROTC. He couldn’t decide what was best and impulsively showed him the pamphlets of his dance class and LGBTQ+ club. The reasoning was for him to be as free and open as fast as possible, but now the regret was setting in.
"If this had happened a few years ago, I would have hit you. Again and again."
Tank instinctively took a step backward and knocked into the wall, not knowing how to process that information. His desire to empathize closed up, and he simply stood in silence.
Buzz looked up at Tank with a pitiful expression. "Why are you doing this to me?"
For the first time, Tank was genuinely embarrassed by his father, seeing him as the feeble one instead of Tank. He had read too many stories over the past year of bravery and self-acceptance to back down now just because he wasn’t validated. "Because I'm not you."
Buzz stared at Tank for a terrifying minute, and then slammed the door and left.
Tank sighed deeply as he sunk down to the floor. "What have I done?"
Chapter 6
Ripp flipped through the flyers he had picked up at orientation. Johnny had already hooked him and Ophelia up with several social change clubs. Too many, in fact; Ripp had limited himself to two.
At first, Ripp hadn't thought much about joining the Queer Qmmunity. He was already fine with being bisexual by now, and didn't feel a particular need to make a deal out of it. He had always been less interested in following masculinity and avoiding the emotional side of life, much to schoolyard bullies' delight. Then he was in utter denial as a preteen, but when he realized it as a teenager, it didn't take him long before coming out. Ophelia accepted him right away. Johnny was uncomfortable around him for a while, but came to realize Ripp wasn't like what biphobes and homophobes claimed; even being an ally hadn't saved him from unconscious prejudices.
Meanwhile, his father had stood up and gone to bed early, and the subject never came up again. That was also when Buzz seemed to have given up on Ripp, as he stopped pestering him about doing things a Grunt son ought to do. Ripp was rejected. That's when Ripp gave up on Buzz as well, and stopped thinking of him as a relative, just "Buzz" or the sarcastic "Mr. Grunt".
But Ripp's interest in the club skyrocketed after he realized it would be a perfect place and resource to find dates. Five minutes after this eureka, he was rushing to the Diversity Floor to sign up. Although Ripp was charming and likable, it could still be difficult to find a date. Both straight girls and gay boys would fear that his bisexuality made him non-committal, or would express their disgust about it. Sometimes he felt like he only wanted to date people he knew were bi, but then some new cutie would inevitably catch his eye, and send him into the whirlwind of crushing.
Chapter 7
Ripp knew several things about Tank.
He had called Ripp a q*eer and f*iry a few times, but was oddly silent about Ripp's orientation otherwise.
He had no inclination for comraderies or for romance. Ripp couldn't imagine him getting married.
He was different from Ripp in every way. Ripp couldn't believe they shared genes.
He was difficult to get along with. A day didn’t go by without a sneer or a remark.
He was fun to argue with. His stubbornness and grumpiness made it easy for Ripp to talk him into a corner until all he could say was, "Because!" and storm off.
He was creepily obsessed with Buzz. Ripp didn't know how Tank was going to survive being away from his father when he was to enter the military. Buck had told Ripp that he was calling the house at least twice a day, as if emailing Buzz wasn't enough.
He was the manliest macho man to have ever manned. A clone of his father, anything that could be thought of as feminine from the most distant angle was unfit for him.
And lastly, Ripp would never, ever see him at the desk of the Queer Qmmunity office, volunteering, looking up at Ripp with fear.
Chapter 8
Tank wasn't satisfied with simply joining the Queer Qmmunity; he had to feel he made an impact. So, he signed up as a volunteer. The night after was filled with regret as he remembered the culture in the club would be based on compassion and support, something he didn’t know if he could keep up. But he reminded himself that this was a new place with new people; a fresh start. He wasn’t known here as someone to be afraid of. So he put on a calm face during training and aimed to learn by example.
Every time he saw the club name, he flinched, knowing he had called Ripp a q*eer in disgust before. He also knew there was a chance Ripp would show up himself, but Tank was trying to be as courageous as possible with his new openness.
Growing up, Tank was confused as to why boys were expected to change from "ooo cooties" to having a special affinity to girls. When he was 12, he asked his father why he couldn't marry a man when he was older. He was slapped several times and told to never think such a thing again. But Tank knew what he was like, and that it wasn't going to change. So, he settled on being a person cursed with same-sex attraction who would choose not to act upon his feelings. He badly wanted his father to think of him as noble, but was too afraid to ever bring the subject up again. He never expected that he would be here, manning the desk of an LGBTQ+ club, on the phone with a girl who was curious as to how accepting the club was to transgender people.
Suddenly, he was face-to-face with his stunned brother. Tank dropped the phone and his face turned down, open-mouthed and unable to think of a greeting.
"I, um...I want to...sign write...for this...group...meeting place..."
A voice came from the phone. "Uh hello?"
Tank didn't move as Ripp filled out his email address and put the slip into the box.
Tank flinched when he heard from the phone, "I guess I'll call back later." Other than that, he still didn’t move when phone buzzed the neutral tone.
"Um..." Ripp stumbled as he backed out. "Congrats on the...the being here..."
Tank finally breathed when Ripp left.
Chapter 9
Buck knew several things about Ripp.
He was obsessed with and amazing at music. He had learned how to sing, play the guitar, and write songs by studying and hanging around people who were great at those things.
He was in touch with the joyful and beautiful sides of life. Buck tried to absorb his perspectives when he was in these moods.
He was a nonconformist. And if you didn’t know it already, you would be bombarded with it when he sang.
He didn’t know how to cope with his grief over their mother. Sometimes the sorrow would just come pouring out, followed by a switch to apathy and chuckling if Buck pointed out how sad he had just been.
He hated his father. But he had a surprising lack of that theme in his music, as if it was not something he wanted to dwell on.
He had a confusing relationship with Tank. It was mostly hostile, but he had played too many a sad song after bad arguments with Tank for that to be its only aspect.
He seemed the most intense when he was in a relationship. Buck didn’t know a single one that hadn’t started with complete devotion and then ended in drama and hate.
He had gotten worse and worse over the years. What seemed like a personality bent toward the dramatic side of life had turned into constant angst.
He was always there for his friends and for Buck. He kept encouraging everyone to be open about their issues or whatever else was on their minds.
He was super hecking nosy.
Chapter 10
Buck was scrolling through the web and had a lot of rapid fire questions after Ripp told him about the diagnosis. It startled Ripp, although he was glad Buck showed an interest. He finally asked Buck to stop after an hour.
"Buck...I don't know how to ask this, but...how are you, really?" Buck had told him once his themesong was one Ripp wrote entitled "Wastelander Fate". That had been a wake-up call for Ripp’s suspicions: something really was wrong.
"I'm doing...average at school, and I miss you guys."
"That's uh...thanks, but that's not what I mean..." Ripp nervously switched the phone to his other hand. "Do you still feel empty a lot?"
Buck paused, not knowing the answer. Did other people feel differently?
"How's your energy?"
"Fine."
"Are you still sleeping like half the day?"
Buck stared blankly at his wall, realizing he had never thought of it that way before. "Um, I guess."
“Do you think you could? Also, talking to someone about…the daydreaming? Which is…another thing…you could be at risk…maladaptive, uh…”
“Huh?”
Ripp bit his lip and decided to drop it for now. "Love you. Gonna do homework now."
"Love you!" he said before hanging up. Buck appreciated that Ripp was openly affectionate with him. Whereas Buck thought Tank might keel over and die if he was hugged.
Buck frowned at the phone. "What in the world was that about?" He thought he might ask the Picasos.
Chapter 11
Ripp’s Phone
__________
2:07pm
Dictator Jr.
Ripp. Could we grab lunch together soon?
me
id rather eat a sea urchin
4:28pm
Dictator Jr.
I would like to discuss things about homosexuality I am unfamiliar with.
me
omg r u in the dark ages
its called gay
and no im not givin u the birds n bees talk
6:09pm
Dictator Jr.
I have been subject to dad’s disapproval.
9:47pm
me
noon
tomorrow
picnic table by the pond
Dictator Jr.
I will be there.
__________
Chapter 12
Tank nervously awaited Ripp's arrival, poking aimlessly at his salad. Tank was sad that Ripp hadn’t attended a single meeting or event in the Queer Qmmunity, and wondered if he could show his brother that he was not going to attack him there. But he didn't want to risk being crabby for this lunch, so he had spent his Saturday morning meditating and watching graceful contemporary dance videos.
Ripp finally showed up, out of breath. "Damn."
"15 minutes late. I think you set a positive record for once." Tank had meant it to be a joke, but Ripp frowned and slammed his backpack onto the table. But Tank certainly wasn’t going to mention that he didn’t mean offense, as that would start an argument.
“ANYway, tell me about Mr. Grunt. Spare no detail.”
After Tank shared, Ripp looked like he had seen a ghost. So basically how he had looked the midnight before, as there were plenty roaming around La Fiesta Tech. “Honestly, Tank…I have never respected you more than I respect you in this moment.”
Tank felt a rush of happiness. Ripp’s approval.
Ripp put his head on the table, inside his crossed arms. This whole thing was the weirdest news of his life, hands down. And he didn’t really want to empathize with his brother, but he couldn’t help it, not when Buzz was…Buzz. But Ripp now felt like there was unevenness—Tank had shared things that were insanely vulnerable. For a moment, Ripp felt safe and connected enough to divulge in how the start of the semester had been for him.
"I...uh...got diagnosed with uh...I bought a DBT book for self-help, for now..."
"What? 'DBT'?"
Ripp's face flushed as he suddenly felt very embarrassed, and he abruptly changed the subject. "I know about your mental illness history!"
After a breathless moment, Tank said through gritted teeth, "Wh-at?"
Remorse washed over Ripp.
Tank's mental health was something very personal and private, and made him feel flawed. "Who told you? Dad?"
"No, I used to read your uh..." Ripp stopped himself as he realized he was making himself look worse.
Tank stood up and slammed his hands on the table. "You WHAT?"
Soaking in the emotional chaos, Ripp kept putting his foot in his mouth. "It's all Buzz’s fault, isn't it? He ruined your life!"
Tank went from hot to cold anger, lowering the volume of his voice and talking with more snark. "AC-tu-a-lly, it was a way to cope with mom being dead."
Ripp's heart skipped a beat. He forgot sometimes that Tank had the most memories of their mother. Although he had been one grade above Ripp, he was almost two years older in age.
"And dad and I bonded over it. But you know, tell yourself whatever sustains your constant hatred of him." Honestly, their father’s values had been a great obstacle in trying to change, but he wasn’t about to admit that to Ripp.
“Well that’s easy for you to say! Your symptoms are about strictness! Buzz would hate me for my disorder!”
“Which is?”
Ripp crossed his arms and looked to the side.
Tank stood up straight and breathed out in almost a growl. “This was a waste of time.” He was too furious to remember what his goals were, and taunted, “Have fun with your cutting. Bleed a lot.”
Genuine hurt flashed across Ripp's face, and he shut down in defeat. Tank knew full well that his habit wasn't something he liked pointed out.
Tank stormed away and looked back once, seeing that Ripp’s elbows were on the table and that he was gripping his head with his hands. Tank would’ve assumed from the look on his face that Ripp was in physical pain, if he didn’t know his brother was just having another meltdown.
Chapter 13
Ophelia’s Phone
__________
Sweetie Honey Pie
im so bummed
im LITERALLY his best friend
LOOK RIGHT HERE MAN
me
what about me??????
im always comforting him
alllllllways
goddammit
Sidekick Stella
im so sorry guys
Sweetie Honey Pie
but he chooses mr grump
Sidekick Stella
don't take it personally it's just how shit turned out
me
thank you for figuring this out stella
Sweetie Honey Pie
how could we have missed this?
Sidekick Stella
dw about it i just have a less bias perspective
me
what do we even do??
what is he gonna even do?/
Sweetie Honey Pie
we have got to stop him
Sidekick Stella
guys plz
he isn't gonna stop both hating and idolizing tank more than anyone else just cuz u want him to
Sweetie Honey Pie
im gonna do my damnest to make sure he sees there's more to life
than whether that
demon
a$$$$hole
"""""""loves""""""" him
holy god
me
we all are
tank grunt must die
Sidekick Stella
woah there girl
me
im trying to make a john tucker reference >___<
__________
Chapter 14
"I think he was worried that you are depressed, Buck," Jessica said.
Buck and the Picasos were gathered around the mahjong table. Playing for a while had helped Buck feel more comfortable and gather the courage to tell them what Ripp had said.
"There are also physical disorders that can cause depression-like symptoms. That can't be ruled out," Matthew added.
Buck diverted his gaze to the table, not sure how to take that in. “So everything will just suck from now on.”
Jessica put her hand on Buck's and smiled at him. "No! It's not hopeless!"
Matthew gave Jessica an uncomfortable look. She nodded at him.
"Jessica and I, er...we have depression, too."
"Oh?" Buck looked back up at them.
"And ptsd." Jessica looked at Matthew sadly. "The military was hard."
"Speak for yourself," Matthew said. "My brother being taken to jail was what really hit me."
Buck turned his head down, trying not to show distress. He didn't want people as nice as the Picasos to suffer so badly.
"But we're less gloomy these days.” Jessica's tone changed to chipper. “We got good treatment.”
"And lifestyle changes. And career changes. And social life changes. And approaching our marriage in a more vulnerable way." Matthew felt like taking a nap just thinking about it. He and his wife had to work so hard to get in a better place.
"Life is always tough. There are some things you can't change." Jessica held back the urge to say 'coughbuzzcough'. “But you're not alone."
"We're here for you. We could drive you to appointments," Matthew said.
Buck finally made eye contact with them. "I'm scared."
Now Matthew put a hand on Buck’s. "And that's okay."
Chapter 15
Ripp woke up to pounding at his door at 7:00AM, which was basically the middle of the night for him. He groggily slumped out of bed, tripping over his sheets, but managed to stand up and open the door. "Tank??"
Tank pushed Ripp aside and walked in. "Ripp. Ripp. Uh...uh..." He was scrambling for something in his pocket. “I had planned something to say um…”
Ripp slammed his door. He hadn't seen or heard from him in weeks. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"I was going to come in the evening. I really was. But then I just sat and stared at your dorm. And thought about it. And didn't do anything. But I'm here now."
"Wait. You were outside the whole night?"
Tank's anxious fretting was too much commotion for Ripp, and he shooed Tank out the door. "Give me. An hour. And THEN I'll yell at you for whatever dumb reason you decided to come here."
All Tank heard was that Ripp accepted the invitation to talk.
Ripp set his alarm, but snoozed it three times after. When he finally decided to get up, he saw texts from Ophelia, Johnny, and Stella warning him that Tank was outside. "Yes," Ripp sent. "I know." As Ripp went to go brush his teeh, he ignored that the three had surrounded Tank in the seating area as some kind of line of defense.
Johnny sat uncomfortably still, trying to evade eye contact with Tank. The boy tried to offer small talk, and the girls gave curt answers followed by going back on their phones. Last week, Tank broke down in front of Johnny and apologized in great detail about how sorry he was for every single even slightly bad thing he had done. He had also offered to do anything for amends, but his pitifulness made Johnny so uncomfortable by that point that he ended the impromptu meetup. Since then, Johnny had been avoiding Tank's nice but oblivious texts. Besides being somewhat disturbing, Tank still had yet to prove he wasn’t a threat to Johnny and his friends anymore.
Johnny had just a wee bit of empathy for Tank. Ripp didn’t always understand that Johnny’s anxiety caused him to worry incessantly about what Ripp was going to be ticked off about next. They had to communicate a lot to get things to work. Johnny couldn’t imagine what it was like for two hotheads to be at each other’s throats every day.
Johnny’s Phone
__________
8:34am
My Oxygen
just cuz he's gay now doesn't mean he's a changed man
me
ikr
Green Lean n Mean
he's just going to bully Ripp more
me
ikr
My Oxygen
he misses his punching bags >___>
me
ikr
Handsome Gloom Man
guys plz
u cant ban me from talking to my brother
im legit curious what hes gonna say
would u rather I talk to him when ur not here
My Oxygen
u have a self defeating relationship with him ripp
Green Lean n Mean
damn gettin straight to the point
me
well who knows it could be interesting
Green Lean n Mean
omg
My Oxygen
johnny wtf
united front johnny united front
__________
After Ripp finished getting ready, he stood beside Johnny and put his hand on his shoulder. No one knew how awful Tank could get better than his rival. Nonetheless, Ripp was drawn to Tank like a bug to a lightbulb. "Let him through."
Ophelia and Stella stared Tank down as they allowed him passage.
"We are going to be out here the whole time," Ophelia hissed.
"The whole time! And we have keys!" Stella jingled her copy in the air.
Tank was happy that Ripp had friends who were there for him. Protecting others and having friends were two of the top things Tank wanted, but could never make work.
The brothers went inside Ripp's room. Ripp leaned against the door and crossed his arms. "What the hell do you want?"
Chapter 16
"Just remember we can't yell here," Ripp sneered.
“I’m, uh…I’m sorry for…” Tank kept looking from side to side. He got distracted by the mess in Ripp’s room. It disgusted him, and he wanted start cleaning up. Just one among the many things Tank wanted to help Ripp with. But he tried to get back on topic. “I wish we had a! It sucks that we…”
Ripp raised his eyebrow.
Exhausted as well as burnt out from his sorrow, Tank gave up on his speech and curled up on the floor. "I can't do it."
Ripp blinked several times, trying to unsee what his eyes were supposedly showing him. Tank the most physically pathetic position. On purpose.
"I don't want to kill people. I don't want to work with people who kill people."
“What…?”
“The military!”
Ripp's face softened just a little bit. This was the heaviest topic Tank had ever brought up. Ripp just kind of figured Buzz and Tank were too made of steel to be affected. "Aren't there roles that aren't as--"
"COME ON, Ripp! You know dad wants me to follow right in his footsteps!" Tank wasn't being loud, but he was being high pitched. "I want a normal, peaceful life. I don't want to be yelled at. I don't want to move around. I don't want to be gay there. And I don't want to be one of those guys who is gone for a long time and then never sees his husband and kids again because he died!" His voice cracked at husband, and he covered his face with his hands.
Ripp sat down on the floor. He had no idea what to say to Tank. These were issues beyond either of them.
The brothers stayed quiet until Tank sat up and pressed his back against the bed. "So I'm not going to enroll in ROTC. Not next year, not ever. No matter how many voicemails they leave." Tank had deleted every one of them before he could hear past the first word.
Ripp stared at Tank's solemn expression, unsure if he wanted to console Tank, or just acknowledge this information and kick him out.
Maybe it was the delirium of sleep deprivation, or the rawness of admitting a deep fear, but Tank’s inhibitions completely lifted. "Ripp, I really wish I was like you."
Ripp held his breath, now wondering if it was his ears that stopped working.
"Free. Authentic. Artsy. Romantic."
Ripp's face felt hot as he suddenly wanted to talk himself down. "No, I'm a mess. A self-destructive, lazy, reckless mess!"
Tank frowned. "Don't insult yourself like that."
Ripp gave an “are you serious” type laugh. "Tank?! You insult me all the time!"
Tank was discouraged about how Ripp seemed to have a visceral hatred regarding everything about him. He felt that Ripp was always primed to find the next thing to make a jab about. Sometimes Ripp would be locked onto shoving or yelling at him, and Tank would sink into sorrow long after the altercation. The only way he knew how to keep Ripp somewhat at bay was to initiate a physical fight at random times, and to repel him with nasty insults. But Tank didn’t know how to interpret or communicate this, so he just said, “You-! You give me no choice!”
“So now you’re blaming your shitty attitude on ME?”
Tank felt his anger increasing, but this time, he reminded himself that a change had to happen. For the first time, he put down his metaphorical sword. “You know what, fine. Just fine. I am. I’m doing whatever you say I’m doing.”
“OH SURE now you—oh.” Ripp had a deer-in the headlights look, then glanced to the side and gripped his arm with his other hand. Ripp waited for Tank to go back on the offense, but after a few minutes of silence, realized Tank was serious about rescinding dominance.
“I have to get ready for, um, class,” Ripp said as he pulled Tank up by his arm. “You should get some sleep.”
Chapter 17
Ophelia’s Phone
_____
6:34pm
me
hey
Angerman
Ophelia! Hello.
How is Ripp?
me
no one else has enough brainpower to tell you this
buzz plays you like a fiddle
you and ripp
Angerman
Hm?
me
stop the cycle
every time you want to yell at ripp
think
am i my dad
Angerman
Uh, alright.
me
please
Angerman
How are you?
me
are you trying to be nice now
i’m doing horrendous
thanks for asking
6:52pm
me
lol you don’t know how to reply do you
one day
Angerman
ophelia
Will you guys teach me how to get along with Ripp?
I want him to be glad I’m his brother.
9:03pm
me
tank
he is
and okay we will
_____
Chapter 18
The Picasos knew several things about Buzz.
He was diligent. He wasn't a general for nothing.
He was repressed. Even when he stubbed a toe he wouldn’t make a face.
He used the poll techs as a scapegoat for his pain, and stalking the Smiths as a distraction from it. He was a common bigot, and Matthew had once tried to explain to him that it was illogical to pin all the world's problems on them. Buzz just ended up pitying him for "believing propaganda".
He was grieving. Buzz was more muted after the divorce and Lyla's death, whether he acknowledged it or not.
He loved his sons. The Picasos remembered when he had been sharing his woes at a dinner. Someone had recommended sending his sons to boarding school, followed by not needing to see them again when they were adults. That was one of the few times Buzz broke into an emotional tizzy.
He raised Tank like he had been raised. They wondered what would happen if Buzz ever gained self-awareness about how hard his childhood was.
He had been suffering a lot since Ripp moved in with them. The Picasos felt like a piano had fallen on their heads when they heard that Buzz had left the military the day after.
His prejudices were getting difficult to let slide. Since they arrived, the Picasos had been getting to know the poll techs in Strangetown, and it was heart breaking to watch Buzz make them live in fear. They had been gaining realization that their passivity was a privilege and also made things worse.
He was definitely never going to show up at their apartment, drunk, disheveled, and tear stained, collapse on their floor and whimper, "I need help."
Summary: Ripp and Tank start college, but nothing goes as planned.
Genre: drama, angst, hurt/comfort
Word Count: ~6000
Chapter 1
Tank knew several things about himself.
He was physically strong. He had a strict workout regimen.
He was self-disciplined. Routines, rules, and plans were a cinch to follow.
He obeyed instructions easily and automatically. He had Buzz's training to "thank" for that.
He had robust stamina. He would often keep training after Buzz got tired.
He was dedicated. If he wanted to achieve something, he would. He would do it no matter how he was doing and no matter how busy he was.
He took care of his health. He went to bed at the same time each night down to the minute and studied nutrition fervently.
He was familiar with his body and how to use it. He knew when to push himself and when to not, and was cognizant of the way his limbs moved.
And finally, he knew that he would be a perfect dance major.
Author’s Notes
This is my second long fanfiction! It was originally supposed to be a short with chapters 1-4, but it somehow turned into this! Note that I haven’t actually wrote scenes about Tank in dance class. Sorry!
I struggled with the setup of classes and clubs and the military, but hope it still makes sense anyway. If something doesn’t, then consider the reason to be because this is an AU rather than like real life, LOL. I’m not sure how realistic I did the heavy topics, but I hope this fanfic is at least enjoyable to read. I somehow ended up mentioning mental illness a lot, which is not something I normally like talking about; go figure.
It’s a slight AU from my game progression so far, and is also farther along than my game lol, but still shares many elements. I decided here to make Tank, Ophelia, and Johnny have a gap year, to explain why they are starting college at the same time as Ripp. Plot hole filled lmao! Wooo!
Chapter 2
Tank was hunched over a clipboard, trying not to think about how big this moment was for him. The secretary of the La Fiesta Tech registrar had told him that most classes were filled, but he assured her that he was happy to take whatever he could get. All he needed was to fill in the paperwork to wipe his current registrations, and then he could sign up himself, instead of Buzz choosing all his classes for him.
He had spent many hours over his gap year typing and retyping a formal letter to the head of ROTC, who of course, was friends with his father. He finally just settled on,
"Dear Sir,
I will enroll in ROTC another year.
Regards,
Tank Grunt"
And then he slid it under the door of his office.
Tank didn't want to look at his phone for another year. Or his mail. Or open his door. At the least, Buzz still thought he had moved into a house in the surrounding city. He couldn't escape his father forever, but maybe he could for a week.
Tank still had two tasks to complete before starting the online signups. And it wouldn't be some private affair--it would be public. At least with the class changes, Tank could try to come up with some excuses about needing to ease into college or finding out how bad the professors were in his previous courses. A letdown, but not gregarious. This, though, would be a middle finger in Buzz's face. Or rather, that's how his father would interpret it. Then he would be painted to be just like Ripp. Disrespectful, dishonorable, disappointing. Tank almost hoped that the path he was starting out on would fail.
Tank's closeness with Buzz also meant another layer--betrayal. He was sincerely going to hurt his father. Tank thought about this as he walked up the steps of the campus dance studio. As he opened the door, he remembered the chorus to a song Ripp had written. He was pretty embarrassed at the edginess of a lot of his brother’s music, but allowed his head to play a song this one time.
"If this is a stab in the back
Then turn around
If this is a wound in your heart
Then let me draw the knife
I'll be your offender
And you'll be mine"
Chapter 3
Buck sorely missed having his brothers around. The Grunt house was cold and empty without them. Buzz's indifference to Buck didn't help. He admired both his brothers greatly, and it broke his heart that they had never wanted to hang out with Buck at the same. Still, the house was also quieter and more peaceful, which Buck appreciated. He also appreciated that his brothers texted him every day, and that he could go to the Smiths or the Picasos for parent things.
Buck had figured Ripp would rather be caught dead than doing the same, at least until he chose to live with the Picasos. It had hit Buck hard. It hit all the Grunt men hard. None of them truly understood how much the family dynamic had affected Ripp until that point.
Buck frequently fantasized about what it would be like if their mother was still around. He guessed that his father would be more of an in-the-background kind of guy, with the love from their mother being the prominent parental aspect of the kids’ childhood. Buck had in fact done extensive world building and had written a number of stories with happy family plotlines. It was like a running monologue to fall back on throughout the day.
Buck picked up the phone and called Jill Smith. She was always psyched about hearing what he had come up with next.
Chapter 4
"I have something I want to talk about. Not about us; you're fine,” Ripp texted Ophelia. He was trying not to phrase it as "we need to talk," a terrible, anxiety-inducing phrase.
"Sure, Ripp! I'm almost done with this essay draft."
Ophelia came into Ripp's room shortly after." So, what's up?”
“Well, Stella got me thinking…” Ripp stared at his shoes and cracked his knuckles. "I can understand if this makes you look at me differently..." He knew Ophelia had been diagnosed with major depression during the summer, but he was still nervous due to the stigma of what he was going to say next. "I got an evaluation and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder."
"Oh, Ripp, that could never change how I think of you!" She rubbed his back. "I'm so glad you told me. And I'm proud of you for going to find this out!"
Ripp became tearful and eased up. "That means a lot to me, Ophelia. I haven't decided what I'm going to do first."
Ripp had never told anyone, and no one had ever told him, but he was a snoop and knew that Tank had been diagnosed with orthorexia, and OCPD traits but too young for a full diagnosis, years ago. He also knew that Tank was on medication, and that he had dropped out of therapy after bad experiences with therapists.
Meanwhile, Johnny had told him and Ophelia all about getting diagnosed with generalized and social anxiety. He was still trying to find a medication that helped him, and therapy was too expensive for his family too afford on top of it. Ophelia and Ripp tried to support him the best they could, and now Stella Terrano as well. Johnny had met her in their dorm, and they all swiftly became study buddies. She had not known herself to be mentally ill, but the crew had joked about how she'll likely have a depressive episode one day. She had mentioned that she been in therapy the year prior, but wasn't comfortable yet to share what for.
"I think I might talk to Buck about his own mental health," Ripp said. It wasn't easy to watch his little brother's muted, melancholy demeanor. Buzz certainly wasn't going to notice or care. "Telling him about me seems like a good excuse to discuss it."
"That's a great idea!" Ophelia had figured for years she was more than "just" grieving. But even with a diagnosis now, she was hesitant about "normal" treatment options, and wanted to try alternative routes. Nonetheless, she would support Ripp in whatever he wanted to do.
Chapter 5
Buzz sat on the edge of Tank's bed, put his head in his hands, and cried. He hadn't cried since a month after Lyla died, and then an unacceptably high amount of one other time in the past year. "What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? Why are my sons all failures?"
Tank stared in shock at his father's breakdown, but mentally kicked himself to stay engaged. "You didn't do wrong, sir. We are confident, goal-directed people."
When Buzz showed up at his door, Tank had mentally plowed through the ways he could have explained his withdrawal from ROTC. He couldn’t decide what was best and impulsively showed him the pamphlets of his dance class and LGBTQ+ club. The reasoning was for him to be as free and open as fast as possible, but now the regret was setting in.
"If this had happened a few years ago, I would have hit you. Again and again."
Tank instinctively took a step backward and knocked into the wall, not knowing how to process that information. His desire to empathize closed up, and he simply stood in silence.
Buzz looked up at Tank with a pitiful expression. "Why are you doing this to me?"
For the first time, Tank was genuinely embarrassed by his father, seeing him as the feeble one instead of Tank. He had read too many stories over the past year of bravery and self-acceptance to back down now just because he wasn’t validated. "Because I'm not you."
Buzz stared at Tank for a terrifying minute, and then slammed the door and left.
Tank sighed deeply as he sunk down to the floor. "What have I done?"
Chapter 6
Ripp flipped through the flyers he had picked up at orientation. Johnny had already hooked him and Ophelia up with several social change clubs. Too many, in fact; Ripp had limited himself to two.
At first, Ripp hadn't thought much about joining the Queer Qmmunity. He was already fine with being bisexual by now, and didn't feel a particular need to make a deal out of it. He had always been less interested in following masculinity and avoiding the emotional side of life, much to schoolyard bullies' delight. Then he was in utter denial as a preteen, but when he realized it as a teenager, it didn't take him long before coming out. Ophelia accepted him right away. Johnny was uncomfortable around him for a while, but came to realize Ripp wasn't like what biphobes and homophobes claimed; even being an ally hadn't saved him from unconscious prejudices.
Meanwhile, his father had stood up and gone to bed early, and the subject never came up again. That was also when Buzz seemed to have given up on Ripp, as he stopped pestering him about doing things a Grunt son ought to do. Ripp was rejected. That's when Ripp gave up on Buzz as well, and stopped thinking of him as a relative, just "Buzz" or the sarcastic "Mr. Grunt".
But Ripp's interest in the club skyrocketed after he realized it would be a perfect place and resource to find dates. Five minutes after this eureka, he was rushing to the Diversity Floor to sign up. Although Ripp was charming and likable, it could still be difficult to find a date. Both straight girls and gay boys would fear that his bisexuality made him non-committal, or would express their disgust about it. Sometimes he felt like he only wanted to date people he knew were bi, but then some new cutie would inevitably catch his eye, and send him into the whirlwind of crushing.
Chapter 7
Ripp knew several things about Tank.
He had called Ripp a q*eer and f*iry a few times, but was oddly silent about Ripp's orientation otherwise.
He had no inclination for comraderies or for romance. Ripp couldn't imagine him getting married.
He was different from Ripp in every way. Ripp couldn't believe they shared genes.
He was difficult to get along with. A day didn’t go by without a sneer or a remark.
He was fun to argue with. His stubbornness and grumpiness made it easy for Ripp to talk him into a corner until all he could say was, "Because!" and storm off.
He was creepily obsessed with Buzz. Ripp didn't know how Tank was going to survive being away from his father when he was to enter the military. Buck had told Ripp that he was calling the house at least twice a day, as if emailing Buzz wasn't enough.
He was the manliest macho man to have ever manned. A clone of his father, anything that could be thought of as feminine from the most distant angle was unfit for him.
And lastly, Ripp would never, ever see him at the desk of the Queer Qmmunity office, volunteering, looking up at Ripp with fear.
Chapter 8
Tank wasn't satisfied with simply joining the Queer Qmmunity; he had to feel he made an impact. So, he signed up as a volunteer. The night after was filled with regret as he remembered the culture in the club would be based on compassion and support, something he didn’t know if he could keep up. But he reminded himself that this was a new place with new people; a fresh start. He wasn’t known here as someone to be afraid of. So he put on a calm face during training and aimed to learn by example.
Every time he saw the club name, he flinched, knowing he had called Ripp a q*eer in disgust before. He also knew there was a chance Ripp would show up himself, but Tank was trying to be as courageous as possible with his new openness.
Growing up, Tank was confused as to why boys were expected to change from "ooo cooties" to having a special affinity to girls. When he was 12, he asked his father why he couldn't marry a man when he was older. He was slapped several times and told to never think such a thing again. But Tank knew what he was like, and that it wasn't going to change. So, he settled on being a person cursed with same-sex attraction who would choose not to act upon his feelings. He badly wanted his father to think of him as noble, but was too afraid to ever bring the subject up again. He never expected that he would be here, manning the desk of an LGBTQ+ club, on the phone with a girl who was curious as to how accepting the club was to transgender people.
Suddenly, he was face-to-face with his stunned brother. Tank dropped the phone and his face turned down, open-mouthed and unable to think of a greeting.
"I, um...I want to...sign write...for this...group...meeting place..."
A voice came from the phone. "Uh hello?"
Tank didn't move as Ripp filled out his email address and put the slip into the box.
Tank flinched when he heard from the phone, "I guess I'll call back later." Other than that, he still didn’t move when phone buzzed the neutral tone.
"Um..." Ripp stumbled as he backed out. "Congrats on the...the being here..."
Tank finally breathed when Ripp left.
Chapter 9
Buck knew several things about Ripp.
He was obsessed with and amazing at music. He had learned how to sing, play the guitar, and write songs by studying and hanging around people who were great at those things.
He was in touch with the joyful and beautiful sides of life. Buck tried to absorb his perspectives when he was in these moods.
He was a nonconformist. And if you didn’t know it already, you would be bombarded with it when he sang.
He didn’t know how to cope with his grief over their mother. Sometimes the sorrow would just come pouring out, followed by a switch to apathy and chuckling if Buck pointed out how sad he had just been.
He hated his father. But he had a surprising lack of that theme in his music, as if it was not something he wanted to dwell on.
He had a confusing relationship with Tank. It was mostly hostile, but he had played too many a sad song after bad arguments with Tank for that to be its only aspect.
He seemed the most intense when he was in a relationship. Buck didn’t know a single one that hadn’t started with complete devotion and then ended in drama and hate.
He had gotten worse and worse over the years. What seemed like a personality bent toward the dramatic side of life had turned into constant angst.
He was always there for his friends and for Buck. He kept encouraging everyone to be open about their issues or whatever else was on their minds.
He was super hecking nosy.
Chapter 10
Buck was scrolling through the web and had a lot of rapid fire questions after Ripp told him about the diagnosis. It startled Ripp, although he was glad Buck showed an interest. He finally asked Buck to stop after an hour.
"Buck...I don't know how to ask this, but...how are you, really?" Buck had told him once his themesong was one Ripp wrote entitled "Wastelander Fate". That had been a wake-up call for Ripp’s suspicions: something really was wrong.
"I'm doing...average at school, and I miss you guys."
"That's uh...thanks, but that's not what I mean..." Ripp nervously switched the phone to his other hand. "Do you still feel empty a lot?"
Buck paused, not knowing the answer. Did other people feel differently?
"How's your energy?"
"Fine."
"Are you still sleeping like half the day?"
Buck stared blankly at his wall, realizing he had never thought of it that way before. "Um, I guess."
“Do you think you could? Also, talking to someone about…the daydreaming? Which is…another thing…you could be at risk…maladaptive, uh…”
“Huh?”
Ripp bit his lip and decided to drop it for now. "Love you. Gonna do homework now."
"Love you!" he said before hanging up. Buck appreciated that Ripp was openly affectionate with him. Whereas Buck thought Tank might keel over and die if he was hugged.
Buck frowned at the phone. "What in the world was that about?" He thought he might ask the Picasos.
Chapter 11
Ripp’s Phone
__________
2:07pm
Dictator Jr.
Ripp. Could we grab lunch together soon?
me
id rather eat a sea urchin
4:28pm
Dictator Jr.
I would like to discuss things about homosexuality I am unfamiliar with.
me
omg r u in the dark ages
its called gay
and no im not givin u the birds n bees talk
6:09pm
Dictator Jr.
I have been subject to dad’s disapproval.
9:47pm
me
noon
tomorrow
picnic table by the pond
Dictator Jr.
I will be there.
__________
Chapter 12
Tank nervously awaited Ripp's arrival, poking aimlessly at his salad. Tank was sad that Ripp hadn’t attended a single meeting or event in the Queer Qmmunity, and wondered if he could show his brother that he was not going to attack him there. But he didn't want to risk being crabby for this lunch, so he had spent his Saturday morning meditating and watching graceful contemporary dance videos.
Ripp finally showed up, out of breath. "Damn."
"15 minutes late. I think you set a positive record for once." Tank had meant it to be a joke, but Ripp frowned and slammed his backpack onto the table. But Tank certainly wasn’t going to mention that he didn’t mean offense, as that would start an argument.
“ANYway, tell me about Mr. Grunt. Spare no detail.”
After Tank shared, Ripp looked like he had seen a ghost. So basically how he had looked the midnight before, as there were plenty roaming around La Fiesta Tech. “Honestly, Tank…I have never respected you more than I respect you in this moment.”
Tank felt a rush of happiness. Ripp’s approval.
Ripp put his head on the table, inside his crossed arms. This whole thing was the weirdest news of his life, hands down. And he didn’t really want to empathize with his brother, but he couldn’t help it, not when Buzz was…Buzz. But Ripp now felt like there was unevenness—Tank had shared things that were insanely vulnerable. For a moment, Ripp felt safe and connected enough to divulge in how the start of the semester had been for him.
"I...uh...got diagnosed with uh...I bought a DBT book for self-help, for now..."
"What? 'DBT'?"
Ripp's face flushed as he suddenly felt very embarrassed, and he abruptly changed the subject. "I know about your mental illness history!"
After a breathless moment, Tank said through gritted teeth, "Wh-at?"
Remorse washed over Ripp.
Tank's mental health was something very personal and private, and made him feel flawed. "Who told you? Dad?"
"No, I used to read your uh..." Ripp stopped himself as he realized he was making himself look worse.
Tank stood up and slammed his hands on the table. "You WHAT?"
Soaking in the emotional chaos, Ripp kept putting his foot in his mouth. "It's all Buzz’s fault, isn't it? He ruined your life!"
Tank went from hot to cold anger, lowering the volume of his voice and talking with more snark. "AC-tu-a-lly, it was a way to cope with mom being dead."
Ripp's heart skipped a beat. He forgot sometimes that Tank had the most memories of their mother. Although he had been one grade above Ripp, he was almost two years older in age.
"And dad and I bonded over it. But you know, tell yourself whatever sustains your constant hatred of him." Honestly, their father’s values had been a great obstacle in trying to change, but he wasn’t about to admit that to Ripp.
“Well that’s easy for you to say! Your symptoms are about strictness! Buzz would hate me for my disorder!”
“Which is?”
Ripp crossed his arms and looked to the side.
Tank stood up straight and breathed out in almost a growl. “This was a waste of time.” He was too furious to remember what his goals were, and taunted, “Have fun with your cutting. Bleed a lot.”
Genuine hurt flashed across Ripp's face, and he shut down in defeat. Tank knew full well that his habit wasn't something he liked pointed out.
Tank stormed away and looked back once, seeing that Ripp’s elbows were on the table and that he was gripping his head with his hands. Tank would’ve assumed from the look on his face that Ripp was in physical pain, if he didn’t know his brother was just having another meltdown.
Chapter 13
Ophelia’s Phone
__________
Sweetie Honey Pie
im so bummed
im LITERALLY his best friend
LOOK RIGHT HERE MAN
me
what about me??????
im always comforting him
alllllllways
goddammit
Sidekick Stella
im so sorry guys
Sweetie Honey Pie
but he chooses mr grump
Sidekick Stella
don't take it personally it's just how shit turned out
me
thank you for figuring this out stella
Sweetie Honey Pie
how could we have missed this?
Sidekick Stella
dw about it i just have a less bias perspective
me
what do we even do??
what is he gonna even do?/
Sweetie Honey Pie
we have got to stop him
Sidekick Stella
guys plz
he isn't gonna stop both hating and idolizing tank more than anyone else just cuz u want him to
Sweetie Honey Pie
im gonna do my damnest to make sure he sees there's more to life
than whether that
demon
a$$$$hole
"""""""loves""""""" him
holy god
me
we all are
tank grunt must die
Sidekick Stella
woah there girl
me
im trying to make a john tucker reference >___<
__________
Chapter 14
"I think he was worried that you are depressed, Buck," Jessica said.
Buck and the Picasos were gathered around the mahjong table. Playing for a while had helped Buck feel more comfortable and gather the courage to tell them what Ripp had said.
"There are also physical disorders that can cause depression-like symptoms. That can't be ruled out," Matthew added.
Buck diverted his gaze to the table, not sure how to take that in. “So everything will just suck from now on.”
Jessica put her hand on Buck's and smiled at him. "No! It's not hopeless!"
Matthew gave Jessica an uncomfortable look. She nodded at him.
"Jessica and I, er...we have depression, too."
"Oh?" Buck looked back up at them.
"And ptsd." Jessica looked at Matthew sadly. "The military was hard."
"Speak for yourself," Matthew said. "My brother being taken to jail was what really hit me."
Buck turned his head down, trying not to show distress. He didn't want people as nice as the Picasos to suffer so badly.
"But we're less gloomy these days.” Jessica's tone changed to chipper. “We got good treatment.”
"And lifestyle changes. And career changes. And social life changes. And approaching our marriage in a more vulnerable way." Matthew felt like taking a nap just thinking about it. He and his wife had to work so hard to get in a better place.
"Life is always tough. There are some things you can't change." Jessica held back the urge to say 'coughbuzzcough'. “But you're not alone."
"We're here for you. We could drive you to appointments," Matthew said.
Buck finally made eye contact with them. "I'm scared."
Now Matthew put a hand on Buck’s. "And that's okay."
Chapter 15
Ripp woke up to pounding at his door at 7:00AM, which was basically the middle of the night for him. He groggily slumped out of bed, tripping over his sheets, but managed to stand up and open the door. "Tank??"
Tank pushed Ripp aside and walked in. "Ripp. Ripp. Uh...uh..." He was scrambling for something in his pocket. “I had planned something to say um…”
Ripp slammed his door. He hadn't seen or heard from him in weeks. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"I was going to come in the evening. I really was. But then I just sat and stared at your dorm. And thought about it. And didn't do anything. But I'm here now."
"Wait. You were outside the whole night?"
Tank's anxious fretting was too much commotion for Ripp, and he shooed Tank out the door. "Give me. An hour. And THEN I'll yell at you for whatever dumb reason you decided to come here."
All Tank heard was that Ripp accepted the invitation to talk.
Ripp set his alarm, but snoozed it three times after. When he finally decided to get up, he saw texts from Ophelia, Johnny, and Stella warning him that Tank was outside. "Yes," Ripp sent. "I know." As Ripp went to go brush his teeh, he ignored that the three had surrounded Tank in the seating area as some kind of line of defense.
Johnny sat uncomfortably still, trying to evade eye contact with Tank. The boy tried to offer small talk, and the girls gave curt answers followed by going back on their phones. Last week, Tank broke down in front of Johnny and apologized in great detail about how sorry he was for every single even slightly bad thing he had done. He had also offered to do anything for amends, but his pitifulness made Johnny so uncomfortable by that point that he ended the impromptu meetup. Since then, Johnny had been avoiding Tank's nice but oblivious texts. Besides being somewhat disturbing, Tank still had yet to prove he wasn’t a threat to Johnny and his friends anymore.
Johnny had just a wee bit of empathy for Tank. Ripp didn’t always understand that Johnny’s anxiety caused him to worry incessantly about what Ripp was going to be ticked off about next. They had to communicate a lot to get things to work. Johnny couldn’t imagine what it was like for two hotheads to be at each other’s throats every day.
Johnny’s Phone
__________
8:34am
My Oxygen
just cuz he's gay now doesn't mean he's a changed man
me
ikr
Green Lean n Mean
he's just going to bully Ripp more
me
ikr
My Oxygen
he misses his punching bags >___>
me
ikr
Handsome Gloom Man
guys plz
u cant ban me from talking to my brother
im legit curious what hes gonna say
would u rather I talk to him when ur not here
My Oxygen
u have a self defeating relationship with him ripp
Green Lean n Mean
damn gettin straight to the point
me
well who knows it could be interesting
Green Lean n Mean
omg
My Oxygen
johnny wtf
united front johnny united front
__________
After Ripp finished getting ready, he stood beside Johnny and put his hand on his shoulder. No one knew how awful Tank could get better than his rival. Nonetheless, Ripp was drawn to Tank like a bug to a lightbulb. "Let him through."
Ophelia and Stella stared Tank down as they allowed him passage.
"We are going to be out here the whole time," Ophelia hissed.
"The whole time! And we have keys!" Stella jingled her copy in the air.
Tank was happy that Ripp had friends who were there for him. Protecting others and having friends were two of the top things Tank wanted, but could never make work.
The brothers went inside Ripp's room. Ripp leaned against the door and crossed his arms. "What the hell do you want?"
Chapter 16
"Just remember we can't yell here," Ripp sneered.
“I’m, uh…I’m sorry for…” Tank kept looking from side to side. He got distracted by the mess in Ripp’s room. It disgusted him, and he wanted start cleaning up. Just one among the many things Tank wanted to help Ripp with. But he tried to get back on topic. “I wish we had a! It sucks that we…”
Ripp raised his eyebrow.
Exhausted as well as burnt out from his sorrow, Tank gave up on his speech and curled up on the floor. "I can't do it."
Ripp blinked several times, trying to unsee what his eyes were supposedly showing him. Tank the most physically pathetic position. On purpose.
"I don't want to kill people. I don't want to work with people who kill people."
“What…?”
“The military!”
Ripp's face softened just a little bit. This was the heaviest topic Tank had ever brought up. Ripp just kind of figured Buzz and Tank were too made of steel to be affected. "Aren't there roles that aren't as--"
"COME ON, Ripp! You know dad wants me to follow right in his footsteps!" Tank wasn't being loud, but he was being high pitched. "I want a normal, peaceful life. I don't want to be yelled at. I don't want to move around. I don't want to be gay there. And I don't want to be one of those guys who is gone for a long time and then never sees his husband and kids again because he died!" His voice cracked at husband, and he covered his face with his hands.
Ripp sat down on the floor. He had no idea what to say to Tank. These were issues beyond either of them.
The brothers stayed quiet until Tank sat up and pressed his back against the bed. "So I'm not going to enroll in ROTC. Not next year, not ever. No matter how many voicemails they leave." Tank had deleted every one of them before he could hear past the first word.
Ripp stared at Tank's solemn expression, unsure if he wanted to console Tank, or just acknowledge this information and kick him out.
Maybe it was the delirium of sleep deprivation, or the rawness of admitting a deep fear, but Tank’s inhibitions completely lifted. "Ripp, I really wish I was like you."
Ripp held his breath, now wondering if it was his ears that stopped working.
"Free. Authentic. Artsy. Romantic."
Ripp's face felt hot as he suddenly wanted to talk himself down. "No, I'm a mess. A self-destructive, lazy, reckless mess!"
Tank frowned. "Don't insult yourself like that."
Ripp gave an “are you serious” type laugh. "Tank?! You insult me all the time!"
Tank was discouraged about how Ripp seemed to have a visceral hatred regarding everything about him. He felt that Ripp was always primed to find the next thing to make a jab about. Sometimes Ripp would be locked onto shoving or yelling at him, and Tank would sink into sorrow long after the altercation. The only way he knew how to keep Ripp somewhat at bay was to initiate a physical fight at random times, and to repel him with nasty insults. But Tank didn’t know how to interpret or communicate this, so he just said, “You-! You give me no choice!”
“So now you’re blaming your shitty attitude on ME?”
Tank felt his anger increasing, but this time, he reminded himself that a change had to happen. For the first time, he put down his metaphorical sword. “You know what, fine. Just fine. I am. I’m doing whatever you say I’m doing.”
“OH SURE now you—oh.” Ripp had a deer-in the headlights look, then glanced to the side and gripped his arm with his other hand. Ripp waited for Tank to go back on the offense, but after a few minutes of silence, realized Tank was serious about rescinding dominance.
“I have to get ready for, um, class,” Ripp said as he pulled Tank up by his arm. “You should get some sleep.”
Chapter 17
Ophelia’s Phone
_____
6:34pm
me
hey
Angerman
Ophelia! Hello.
How is Ripp?
me
no one else has enough brainpower to tell you this
buzz plays you like a fiddle
you and ripp
Angerman
Hm?
me
stop the cycle
every time you want to yell at ripp
think
am i my dad
Angerman
Uh, alright.
me
please
Angerman
How are you?
me
are you trying to be nice now
i’m doing horrendous
thanks for asking
6:52pm
me
lol you don’t know how to reply do you
one day
Angerman
ophelia
Will you guys teach me how to get along with Ripp?
I want him to be glad I’m his brother.
9:03pm
me
tank
he is
and okay we will
_____
Chapter 18
The Picasos knew several things about Buzz.
He was diligent. He wasn't a general for nothing.
He was repressed. Even when he stubbed a toe he wouldn’t make a face.
He used the poll techs as a scapegoat for his pain, and stalking the Smiths as a distraction from it. He was a common bigot, and Matthew had once tried to explain to him that it was illogical to pin all the world's problems on them. Buzz just ended up pitying him for "believing propaganda".
He was grieving. Buzz was more muted after the divorce and Lyla's death, whether he acknowledged it or not.
He loved his sons. The Picasos remembered when he had been sharing his woes at a dinner. Someone had recommended sending his sons to boarding school, followed by not needing to see them again when they were adults. That was one of the few times Buzz broke into an emotional tizzy.
He raised Tank like he had been raised. They wondered what would happen if Buzz ever gained self-awareness about how hard his childhood was.
He had been suffering a lot since Ripp moved in with them. The Picasos felt like a piano had fallen on their heads when they heard that Buzz had left the military the day after.
His prejudices were getting difficult to let slide. Since they arrived, the Picasos had been getting to know the poll techs in Strangetown, and it was heart breaking to watch Buzz make them live in fear. They had been gaining realization that their passivity was a privilege and also made things worse.
He was definitely never going to show up at their apartment, drunk, disheveled, and tear stained, collapse on their floor and whimper, "I need help."
